A First Place Christmas

If entering the Christmas break in first place wasn’t a gift enough, the Rangers woke up this morning to even more presents, largely funded by their own paychecks, of course. Still, a gift is a gift, and naturally, with The Garden Faithful taking the internet by storm, the Rangers players asked us to share what they received (or wish they had received). They’re just a friendly bunch of guys! What can we say?!?

Artem Anisimov: I get gun from my mail-order whore. I kill bear last night. Cops chase me but I reload my weapon…again, heheh (winks)…and take them out, too. That’s allowed here, yes? Oh. Ohhhh…. Ohhhhhh!!!!

Marty Biron: A hot meal. Did you know I’m 6-foot-3 but weigh ONLY 180 pounds. Can someone f*cking feed me?

Derek Stepan: I need my mom to stop coming to games. Torts is always telling me the things he’d do to her with that deformed thumb of his. It’s really upsetting. I’d say something but then Sully would just take out his belt and whip me to a bloody pulp. I don’t know what to do.

Sully: (Staring at computer screen; not speaking or smiling)

Torts: I got Sully a new belt with metal spikes on it, like what those goth freaks wear to those pathetic emo concerts. I think that should teach the boys a lesson.

Carl Hagelin: A message from Zukes saying I can keep his haircut. I love that guy.

Brandon Prust: Hey guysssss, what’s uppppp? Ohhh, you want to know what I got for Christmasssss? Yeaaaaah, Christmasss is totally the best, isn’t it? Me and Boyler are going to this killlller rave tonight. Is that what you wanted to know? No? Woooahhh, chill mannnn. I’m going to put on moisturizing lotion. Lattterrrr.

Stu Bickel: Steroids. I started my regimen last week. This shit’s incredible! I’m going to make millions in this league!

Brad Richards: Braces.

Jeff Woywitka: Has anyone noticed I look exactly like Terry from True Blood? No? Anyway, I need some friggin’ money man. They rig those credit card roulette games. I’m friggin’ broke and I’m going to be back on The Whale next week. F*ck my life.

Henrik Lundqvist: An extra large mirror. Whenever I have a bad game, (long pause; staring into my eyes; I pass out; never found out what he got)…

Michael Del Zotto: A restraining order on Scotty Hockey. I’ve seen the guy sitting in a car outside my house, drinking a handle of whiskey, smoking a cigarette, mumbling, “Del Zaster. Del Zaster. I’m gonna get you.” He needs to be stopped!

Check back later today for more updates!


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