Minutes: 24/7, Episode III

Even in his heyday, Kim Jong Il wouldn't have built a "Rocky" statue. He simply would have told his people he shot a 38 UNDER par on a regulation, PGA-style, 18-hole golf course to boost national morale. Oh, wait. He did tell them that.

While last night’s Rangers game certainly lacked emotion and effort, the Blueshirts did their best to make us proud in 24/7, once again showing why they are the more entertaining team. Although, like on the ice, Brian Boyle proved he is absolutely useless and a detriment to everything he touches.

Again, all times are approximate…

10:03- Peter Laviolette tries to inspire his team in between periods of a game in Colorado, but ultimately fails, as not a single player responds with any emotions or words because they are all mentally and verbally bankrupt. The Flyers lose in a shootout.

10:07- If you’ve ever wondered why NHL and NFL teams now have roughly 46 doctors examine a player after even the slightest blow to the head, you learned why during a telling conversation between Laviolette and star Flyers forward Claude Giroux.

After a brief contact drill with his teammates, the recently concussed Giroux is summoned by Laviolette to see how he’s feeling. Here’s how the conversation goes…

***

Coach: How ya feeling?

Player: Not bad.

Coach: Good? You look really good.

Player: I don’t know how I’m going to feel during a game. I don’t wanna go out there and like hurt the team. I don’t know how I’m…

Coach: You’re kidding me, right? You look great out there.

Player: It’s practice, though.

Coach: Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. If you feel good, you’ll be fine. You look like a million bucks out here.

***

Hmm, let’s translate that, shall we?

***

Coach: How ya feeling?

Player: Well, I was able to tie my laces today so that’s good.

Coach: So you’re going to play, right? Yeah, you’re going to play.

Player: I’m not ready to play in a game. I can barely see straight. I’m violently nauseous and dizzy right now. Please hold me up…

Coach: Nah, you’re totally fine. I can tell. You’re fine.

Player: I don’t even know my name. Where am I?

Coach: None of that matters. What matters is I just dropped $50,000 on my kids’ Christmas presents and bought my wife a new car. If you play we can make the playoffs, and then I get a bonus. So yeah, you’re going to play. Thanks.

***

10:09- The Rangers have pretty girlfriends.

10:10- DAN GIRARDI HAS THE CUTEST SON EVER.

10:12- I understand they had to tone it down because the cameras were there, but the Rangers’ Ugly Christmas Sweater party seemed downright boring. And to top it off Del Zaster (Scotty Hockey—Goldmember reference voice), had three reindeer engaging in an anal orgy on his sweater. Don’t you get the feeling he’s just a huge douche? Of all the guys on the Rangers I’d want to party with, he might be the lowest on the list. Except Ruslan Fedotenko. He just creeps me out.

10:14- Mike Rupp gets into a fight with Cam Janssen during the Devils game, but the problem is Janssen loves full boxing round fights, a marathon-type bout Rupp admits he can’t endure, “I haven’t done anything in two months.” Well that makes me feel a little better. I just thought he was normally this slow and out-of-shape. Good to know he didn’t work out once during his knee rehab.

10:15- The Devils strike first and you hear, but don’t see, Tortorella yell, “Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” I really enjoyed that. HBO probably has a playlist of Torts dropping F-bombs and just picked a random one to use for that moment.

10:16- Laviolette channels his inner Vince Lombardi during his pre-game speech in Dallas. Staring at his note pad, he reads dispassionately, “We’re being great tonight.” I’m Ron Burgundy?

10:19- Sean Couturier STILL can’t hear out of his left ear. He doesn’t seem overly concerned, though. “It’ll come back eventually.” Yeah, no biggie. It’s just an ear, right? It’s like your kidneys, you just need one.

10:23- Can we all agree that whole Gaborik buying a Christmas tree scene never happened? He’s so Slovakian.

10:26- While the Flyers coaching staff acts like a normal group of dudes and goes to a pub to eat and drink and scout the Rangers as they play the Islanders, the Flyers players sit in their hotel rooms with no TVs on, staring at each other, not saying a word…I made that up. They did not show that. But can we all agree they never left the hotel? What a boring ass team.

10:28- I LOVED how after Anton Stralman laid out Matt Read with a beautiful hip check, Laviolette asks his player if he’s OK, and then says, “That was awesome.”

10:32- The deranged Tom Sestito talks shit to the Rangers bench, but as soon as the buzzer sounds to end the period, he immediately stops talking and skates away. It was like a dog trained to sit by a squeaky noise. I found it fascinating. (Also loved Richards saying, “One day in the NHL for you. Fantasy camp for you.” Probably not original but still funny.)

10:34- From the school of The Pot Calling The Kettle Black, we hear Rupp, who Torts is openly in love with, tell Jody Shelley, “You’re fucking irrelevant out here!” To which Shelley responds with great disdain (in reference to Sestito), “You’re going after the 22-year old?”

I enjoyed that response for two reasons: 1) I’ve always wondered if it’s awkward or frowned upon for old goons to go after young goons who could possibly be their sons, and 2) Rupp is clearly hurt by the question, so much so that he feels he must defend himself by saying, “He’s acting like a fucking idiot.”

10:38- Great job by HBO of having a camera at the NHL War Room in Toronto to show how the Fedetenko goal review goes down. How does one get a job working in that room? Who must I send my resume to?

10:46- The people of Philadelphia again show why they’re the biggest losers in the world, imitating Rocky, A FICTIONAL CHARACTER, running up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Did you know there is a Rocky STATUE in Philadelphia? That really seems like something the North Koreans would do. Invent a successful athlete in a movie and then build an edifice of him to boost civic pride because your real teams suck so much. But no, even those commie animals have never done that. So yeah, North Korea > Philadelphia.

10:48- Confirming he is the biggest loser in the world (but does have a really sweet apartment), it is revealed Scott Hartnell has multiple arcade games in his apartment. I used to love the game where you’d shoot the birds. It was definitely not called Big Buck Hunter back in the day though, right? I digress.

10:51- The Bryzgalov family Christmas had tremendous potential, but Bryz’s wife clearly told the cameras to fuck off when the family sat down to eat (that’s a total assumption on my part). I did enjoy Bryz’s son telling his sister that he’s much more “Englisher” and she’s much more “Russianer.”

10:53- A dog climbing the dinner table and eating everyone’s leftovers. That’s funny.

10:55- Boyle tries to introduce his eternally horny parents to the HBO cameras, but they quickly run off camera to go conceive their 14th child. They have officially covered the 13.5 point spread against infertility. Congrats, Boyles!

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